Forgive & Forget

Ugh! Blogger is so not user friendly, I swear. I thought of deleting my account and just continue blogging on Multiply and Livejournal where I can filter readers and trace back comments. But then I can't figure out how to delete my blogger account. Anyway, I guess it's alright. I have been linking up some interesting sites from blogspot and I can use my account to post my comments. So yeah, I'm keeping my blogger for now.

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Anyway... I have been talking to an old friend lately. He's another friend's ex boyfriend who is, as what he would describe himself, a JACKASS. Suffice it to say, he was not a good friend, or a boyfriend. Many years ago, umutang si C sa akin and since then on hindi na nagpakita sa akin. The gay world is a small world kaya from time to time, I would encounter a form of connection with him. Pinakahuli siguro last year nang malamang kong dina-date siya ng isa kong kaibigan (sadyang napaka liit ng mundo ng mga bading, 'no?). Around the same time, may mga ibang tao na umutang din sa akin na eventually parang nagkalayuan or nagkalimutan na. I believe I already blogged about this 3 years ago. People tend to abuse me somehow. Yes, it's sad. Pero siguro the problem with me is I let them din kasi. Minsan, I tend to please my friends too much kasi sabik akong magkaroon ng mga kaibigan. So yeah, it's also my fault. Given that situation, it gave me a big weight in my heart. I may be mad, but I was definitely upset.

Being angry did not do me any good. Alam mo yung mabigat ang loob mo parati, na kung minsan nakakalimutan mo nang ngumiti? O kaya kung minsan napapa-iyak na lang ako dahil pakiramdam ko tau-tauhan lang ako sa buhay ng mga taong inaakala kong mga kaibigan? Tapos napagisip-isip ko din na para mapagaan ko ang pakiramdam ko, dahil hindi ko na madatnan ang mga taong may atraso sa akin, siguro dapat patawarin ko na lang sila. At totoo nga naman, ibang ginhawa ang naramdaman ko nang sa isip at puso ko sinabi kong pinapatawad ko sila. Kinalimutan ko na ang lahat. Ni hindi ko na alam kung magkano ang pagkaka-utang ng bawat isa. Sabi ko nga sa sarili ko kung hindi pa rin sila magbayad, ayos lang. Ayokong makaramdam ulit ng sama ng loob. Pero kung maisipan nilang magbayad, maraming salamat naman.

Early this year, C added me as a friend on Facebook. Hindi niya ako maiiwasan because we have a lot of common friends, kasama na diyan ang kaibigan kong naging date niya at isang pang kaibigan na naging kabit niya (tumambling ang kaluluwa ko mula Makati hangang Alabang nang malaman ko yan, pramiz!). Ilang beses ko siyang nakikitang online pero pareho kaming hindi nagpapansinan. Hangang sa isang araw last week, hindi ko na talaga matiis, ako na ang naunang bumati sa kanya. Nag usap kami na para bang walang nanyari. Nagbibiruan tulad noong bago pa lang kami magkakilala.

Gusto ko sanang sabihin sa kanya, "You've been a very bad girl. A very very bad bad girl, C."

It was strange and at the same time relieved to confirm na hindi ako nagtanim sa kanya ng galit. At siya naman humingi ng tawad. Parang (ahahaha. Tangina. Hindi ako sure kung humingi nga siya ng tawag pero KEBERRR). Ewan ko lang kung may balak pa rin siya magbayad ng utang. Tignan lang natin!

I believe forgiveness is one act to authenticate your being human. We all try to be the best this and that. But in the process, we commit mistakes. We all make mistakes. We are entitled to. So I don't think we should deprive of anyone of our forgiveness. Lalo naman kung ang pagkakamali ay hindi sinasadya. Sino ba naman tayo para magmamataas. This links to my previous post that life is too short to collect anger.

One by one, gusto kong patuloy na magpatawad ng mga tao. Try lang. Sa totoo lang, masarap din itong gawin. The key word is TRY.