I thought I was going to be fine. I thought D and P were just being dramatic queens when they said they cried when they visited E last week at the hospital. But yesterday, all I could take was a 5-second peek at him. It was enough for me. Plus the depressing mood in the ICU, it gave me a hard time breathing. While D and P were asking S for updates on E's condition, I was just there staring at his room, trying to figure out what all those numbers flashing on the machine mean. The blinking got me hypnotized. I couldn't believe that this healthy, fit, gym-going kid is now being helped by a machine just to breathe. Seeing all the instruments attached to different parts of his body and in complete discomfort just broke my heart. The whole time while in the ICU, I was just being quiet, trying to analyze the situation. If there's actually something to analyze about. The boys asked me if I was okay. I said yes. I lied. I was bothered.
Di ko kinaya 'te! Para siyang LSS sa memory ko.
I was thinking about E on my drive home. Buti na lang Sunday, walang traffic. I was so buzzed, salamat at wala akong nasagasaang pasaway na jejemon na tumatawid ng EDSA.
When a young blog friend mysteriously passed away over a month ago, I developed this point of view to always be happy, to avoid being masungit or being sad, to always look at the better side of things, people or situations (I personally call it the Tessa Prieto attitude... you gotta love her craziness). But now when I involuntarily recall images I saw at the hospital yesterday, I just couldn't flip the pages.
I'm not going to deny myself of the posibilities. I'm realistic. I at least try to. But right now, more than anything, whatever the outcome, I pray for E's comfort. I think that what matters most.